What Can I Do?
The more you adopt the "Ima do me" mentality, the further you step away from Gods will. And the further you are away from His will, the harder life gets and the more miserable you become.
Me me trying to cope with the pressures of life ON MY OWN for the last few weeks has caused my spiritual life to suffer and I fell into depression. I found myself having the worst attitude on a daily basis, saying things I normally don't say, doing things I normally don't do and being disgusted with myself. Not feeling like doing anything. Sleepless nights. Poor eating habits. Not reading my word. Nasty attitude. Ugly facials expressions: Just being in this seemingly unexplainable funk that my peers were starting recognize.
Here I am trying to pretend like nothing is wrong when really everything is wrong! I'm trying to encourage and minister to others all the while something as minute as forgetting my password to my gmail account could result in two responses: 1.) anger or 2.) tears.
Im currently in New Orleans for work and I decided I was going to stay in for the night to get some work done as the next few weeks are going to be filled with travel. I was so overwhelmed with my To-Do List and I kept making my situation sound worse and worse. Eventually I just quit because I was tormenting myself and had been in the bed for almost 2 hours with not a single task completed. As I laid there staring at the ceiling, the tears began to roll out from the outer corners of my eyes into my ears.
I could barely get a word out but I prayed and told God I needed Him and I can't do this on my own. I had to repent for idolizing myself and for exalting my problems forgetting that He is the ultimate problem solver. And for trying to pave my own way knowing that He is the only way-maker.
Eventually I got up and pulled out a bible because I was so depleted of the word, I needed to feed my faith. I had to repeat things like "The joy of the Lord is my strength." (Nehemiah 8:10) and "His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is made perfect in weakness". (2 Corinthians 12:9). Reading these scriptures wasn't enough, I needed to hear my own voice so I could believe what I was saying. It was so hard to focus because my mind was trying to convince me otherwise. That's when I realized how far I had really gotten. But instead of quitting I kept reading and repeating the scriptures to fight back.
Th battle of the mind.
I wept for hours until the voice of God penetrated my heart reminding me that He is King and I am His daughter - a princess. A sense of peace came over me and I suddenly felt at ease. It was like He wrapped me in His arms and comforted me as I buried my head in His chest and the cadence of His heartbeat rocked me to sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I woke up worshiping and feeling back connected to the Father.
Last night I had to truly surrender. Not just with lip service but with my heart. Now I can laugh at how ridiculous I looked ready to chuck my iPad across the room because the "Forgot Your Password?" option seemed like the worst thing life could have ever dealt me!
Lord thank you for your unfailing love that is readily available no matter how many times we try to reject it.