One of my favorite songs is called Deeper by Israel Houghton. The song came out in 2007 and is a prayer about longing for a deeper relationship with God. "Close enough to feel the cadence of your heart” as Israel puts it. Beautiful lyrics and beautiful melody, yet my favorite part is at the very end as the song fades out and he says “Break my heart with the things that break your heart. Give me YOUR heart oh God”. This is my prayer.

The last few weeks have been rough. A close family friend lost her life tragically and was found by her 3 year old, lifeless at the bottom of the stairs. About two weeks ago my own grieving literally paralyzed me and I couldn’t and didn’t leave bedroom, let alone the house for an entire week. My all-time favorite blogger Kyrzayda Rodriguez announced that she being admitted into hospice and after one short week, lost her battle to stomach cancer. Last week, a wound that I thought I put a bandage on was reopened as I received some of the worst news of my life regarding my siblings. Over the weekend, the world was shocked after finding out that Mac Miller had committed suicide, and today a stylist I adored and had future plans to work with out of LA, ended his life as well. It’s just been…a lot.

However, if you look at my social media platforms you’ve have no idea because well, the internet is a false perception of reality. We can pick and choose what we want our lives to look like. You can upload a bomb photo of yourself from weeks or even months ago while laying in bed with a face mask and sweats. You can type “LMAO!” with a straight face and a broken heart. Or one of my personal faves, hide behind constant photos of your work to hide the fact that life has been whooping your tail.

But if you ask me, I’ll say I’m fine. Because although I may very well not be be okay in the moment, my hope is anchored in Christ and I’m blessed to be surrounded by people that I can talk to about my honest and transparent thoughts and feelings. So no matter how badly I may feel in the moment, I know, I eventually will be alright and my situation will be turned around. But how many other people can say the same? How many people do we know… how many of US are hurting, broken, misunderstood and feel all hope is lost yet feel as if there’s no on to turn to?

Almost two year ago, I wrote my most popular blog post to date called “Sick of 21st Century Church”. In it, I talk about the importance of mental health and how broken hearted I was after hearing about the loss of Thomas Clay, a well known and anointed songwriter, artist, musician and minister, to suicide. My heart shattered at the thought that someone who was so well respected and loved ended his life because he was pouring from an empty cup. And this is someone who was actively IN church. So how much worse and hopeless do you think people in the world feel? People who have never experienced the “overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God” as Cory Asbury put it.

I honestly don’t know even how to end this post. I don’t know if I have anything else to say other than what I’ve been saying on social media all week:

Suicide is taking out some of the most influential young people of this generation. 
More people “self medicate” than you think. 
The enemy wants you to feel depleted and alone.

The Church (not limited to the 4 walls) has more power than they think but in many ways has become ineffective in reaching that target audience.

Millennials want to know that they’re leaving a footprint.

If you come to know God (not to be confused with living perfect), you’ll find freedom so you can discover your purpose. Once you discover your purpose you can make a difference.

It’s in making a difference that you’ll find fulfillment and influence others to do the same. 

You are loved.

You are needed.

The worlds needs something that only you carry.

You have a purpose.

You need community .

You aren’t in this alone.

Goodnight.